December 26, 2009 at 9:56 pm (Uncategorized)

There is urgent need to celebrate the foolishness and idiotic innovations of people we put in charge of our lives. It would sound like we make fun of them. Far from it, we only return their compliments they give us the year round. This is not hard to explain or understand. One dumb thing about our leaders is that because they do dumb things, they expect us to share the dumbness by accepting that the lies they tell us are true. By giving them feedback such as this, they know we know what they hope we do not know. When they lie to us and we keep quiet, it is not because we do not see beyond the lies. It is because we are wiser than giving ourselves up to be used as scapegoats. We just do not want to be misused twice – first as citizens and again as victims.
Once a year, we should get back to them and tell them their achievements. When we tell them, we will tell them in no uncertain terms. We will each prepare our own list of infamous awards for the infamous actions they did in our localities. The list below is mine and take the pains to explain why they have the awards.
INEC’S MAURICE IWU for pretending not to understand why he should have left that job a long while ago and for the boldness he has still standing before us to talk about free and fair elections. Also for his self-imposed blindness that does not allow him see that he is so tainted that there is nothing fair about him and anything he heads. When you reach a stage when you have lost all credibility, it is time to quit. He wins this award because he acts like he does not know. Anyway, there is a bloc that thinks he is an angel. How will they know when they all smell themselves and delude themselves that they will rule for sixty years over a people that have rejected you.
INEC’S AYOKA ADEBAYO not for sabotaging her acclaimed conscience but for the damage she has done to generations of Nigerians. A grandma is usually the children’s delight especially one who has enough money to buy them many toys. See the toy she handed the children in Ekiti. The toy speaks when you press it. What it says is MURDER, DEATH, FRAUD, THUGGERY, GUNS AND KNIVES! What a woman! Resigning and un-resigning in one week. Can happen when you have the assurance you will never be made to explain it. Which journalist would not like to ask her a few questions. Imagine how the paper would sell that headlines Ayoka Adebayo opens up: The Truth About the Ekiti Saga. She wins the award for ignoring the nation and carrying on like nothing happened.
FG’S SAM EGWU for not realizing that as a public officer, he cannot be chasing private rats when his national house is on fire. In the end you ask yourself, what has he achieved so far save to preside over one strike after the other. Anyway, his sponsors have a different way of measuring success. They measure effort not result. Nothing wrong in that. Trouble is that we have neither because effort that is half-hearted, ill-planned, ill-timed, publicity-seeking and deceptive cannot be counted as real effort. Enjoy your award.
NIGERIA POLICE’S OGBONNAYA ONOVO because under his watch Ribadu came and went. He carts home the inglorious award for not only failing to notice that Ribadu came, but for denying the obvious on national television. He appears to be the only one to acknowledge his men are rotten and recently begged them to change their ways. He wins again because he pretends not to know that the men he appeals to have long lost their sense of hearing. He also fails to realize that if he inherited all the equipment of Scotland Yard, his men are not anywhere near having the skill to use them. We will keep the rest of his citation for next year because he is sure to win every year at this rate.
EKITI STATE’S SEGUN ONI not for his role in the election accusations. The court will handle that. He wins for recently tying the promotion of teachers to the performance of their student. He is an educated fellow. He says they have invested massively in education and is not getting result for the investment. Well, he wins because he trivialises the deep issues that surround education in Nigeria. He wins for thinking he can put in a million and get result same day. How naive. He wins because he fails to see that all he has put is a drop and that it takes time, planning and impeccable administration to turn education around. Finally, and most interestingly, how can he not realize that the teacher’s morale is at an all-time low. And more importantly, he has just laid the foundation for institutional cheating in all examinations affected by his order.
NIGERIA’S NEC for all the lies they told us in connection with the president’s health beginning from the stage-managed altercation between the two houses to the bare-faced lies of people claiming to be in daily contact with the ailing president. From all those who claimed he sent messages home to all those jostling for positions in case the president chooses to quit.
MICHAEL AANDOAKA for his consistently inconsistent talking and chameleoning. Thank you to Yar Adua’s government, we would never have known we have such men in the judiciary. God! Some well-meaning guy could have hired him to defend him! Take your award and enjoy it.
NFF AND FORTUNE CHUKWUDI for lying to the world about the ages of middle-aged players who are supposed to be 17. Not one of them is a student in any known secondary or tertiary institution. They win because of the rape of childhood. They took the places that belong to children and gave them to adult. Anyway, they are learning from their leaders. If at 70 you can be a Resident Electoral Commissioner in a volatile and sensitive state; if at 80 you can be minister of petroleum and have been in government since 1984; then it is all well and good. NFF wins for teaching young people that lying to the world has reward. All you need is to fool the MRI robot. Anyone that castigated Adokiye shares this inglorious award.
BODE GEORGE for blazing the trail and showing the politicians the ways they will go as soon as God approves. Of course we know he is innocent. But he will keep the award until he persuades the judiciary, then he can return it.
JAMES IBORI for winning cases and proving his innocence. He wins because he is innocent and his people say no way. For his inablility to persuade his own people, he will hold the award till further notice.
NIGERIA POLICE for killing Muhammed Yusuf and telling us he was shot in action. Up BBC, we know the army handed him to the police alive. Interestingly, the only photograph of the controversial young man is the one BBC published on their site. We wonder how they got it! Police is still telling that story. That is why we give them this award. They can return it in a decade because we know they are not about to begin to tell it all.
DORA AKUNNYILI for re-branding Nigeria and marrying her children to foreigners. American grandchildren is not a bad idea is it?


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